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Post by S-to-the-T on Oct 17, 2006 18:50:31 GMT -5
Alright. I'll make the first post.
"Jolteon! Thunder!" The bolt of lightning struck the opposing squrtile, sending it to the ground. The boy who's pokemon that was, called it back to the ball and looked up at Ross; he knew he'd been defeated.
The battle had been a quick one, and Ross left imedietly after, Jolteon trailing behind him. It was about time for lunch, and he could feel his stomach rumbling. "Man, what's there to eat around here?" He muttered to himself, glancing around for a stand or something that he could get something to eat from quickly, and be on his way.
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Frankie
Junior Student
"Love only yourself, and fight only for yourself."(Is Frankie)
Posts: 141
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Post by Frankie on Oct 17, 2006 18:54:43 GMT -5
OOC:One of my main difficulty's is making entrances for my people >.<
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Post by S-to-the-T on Oct 17, 2006 19:07:24 GMT -5
((Lol. Well, if you can't think of a way, try this: Put yourself in your character's position. What would you do if you just saw that battle? Or maybe related your intrance to the fact that it's lunch time, or something that has to do with your character's past or personality.))
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Frankie
Junior Student
"Love only yourself, and fight only for yourself."(Is Frankie)
Posts: 141
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Post by Frankie on Oct 17, 2006 19:14:35 GMT -5
Zan was sitting nearby with all three of his Pokemon out. Aerodactyle and Persian were having a small training battle, while Zan and Alakazam seemed to be having a staring contest.
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Post by S-to-the-T on Oct 17, 2006 19:23:29 GMT -5
((Alright. So one of the main problems I saw in your posts in the actual RP, was punctuation. The way I would have puncuated your sentance is the following:
Zan was sitting nearby with all three of his Pokemon out. Aerodactyle and Persian were having a small training battle, while Zan and Alakazam seemed to be having a staring contest.
After you type your posts, use the spell check, and re-read your post, making sure everything's good to go.))
Ross paused in midstep at the sight of a boy and his pokemon having some kind of staring contest. It actually looked sort of funny, especially with the little battle so close by. He stood off to the side, eyes on the duo.
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Frankie
Junior Student
"Love only yourself, and fight only for yourself."(Is Frankie)
Posts: 141
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Post by Frankie on Oct 17, 2006 19:29:06 GMT -5
(( Ack I had a really good idea but I forgot it. >.< ))
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Post by S-to-the-T on Oct 17, 2006 20:35:11 GMT -5
((Post it or something else when you remember. ^_^))
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Frankie
Junior Student
"Love only yourself, and fight only for yourself."(Is Frankie)
Posts: 141
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Post by Frankie on Oct 20, 2006 20:17:38 GMT -5
Alakazam's body began to glow with a faint purple aura and shortly after so did Zan's body. After a few moments of glowing they both began levitating around 7 inches off of the ground.
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Post by S-to-the-T on Oct 22, 2006 20:02:29 GMT -5
((A good idea may be to post Zan's reaction to that happening. It makes your post more detailed.))
Ross raised an eyebrow, "What... Are they doing?" His eyes narrowed slightly, watching the two now levetating off the ground. He glanced at Jolteon, who gave his version of a shrug.
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Frankie
Junior Student
"Love only yourself, and fight only for yourself."(Is Frankie)
Posts: 141
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Post by Frankie on Oct 23, 2006 17:49:46 GMT -5
((Hes actually kinda expressionless about it.))
Aerodactyle and Persian finished there battle and sat on the grass breathing heavily.
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Post by S-to-the-T on Oct 25, 2006 16:35:13 GMT -5
((You could have included that. Go for as much detail as you can.))
Ross's attention was drawn mainly to the levetating duo, wondering what they were doing exactally. It looked like they were having a staring contest, but what was the point of floating?
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Frankie
Junior Student
"Love only yourself, and fight only for yourself."(Is Frankie)
Posts: 141
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Post by Frankie on Oct 25, 2006 18:00:09 GMT -5
Zan momenterely seemed to lose his balance but quickly regained his balance.Zan's mouth twitched into a smile. "Al your not going to win." -"We shal see Zan"-
((-""- is alakazam's telepathic speech which can be heard from where your persion is.))
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Post by S-to-the-T on Oct 25, 2006 18:24:40 GMT -5
((Alright. So one thing you tend to do is be repeatitive.
Look at your post, and these are changes I'd suggest: Zan momenterely seemed to lose his balance but quickly regained his balance. Look at the green part. Instead of repeating the word balance, you could have said, 'But he quickly regained it" instead of repeating the word. It will make the sentance flow better.
Zan's (Instead of repeating his name, you could have said, 'His'. It's better to only use your character's name once per post, especially in short ones. Otherwise use, 'he', 'him', and 'his'.)mouth twitched into a smile. "Al your not going to win." -"We shal see Zan"-))
((Next, a comma would have been good to have between "his blance" and "quickly regained"
Also, momentarily, shall, and loose are spelled wrong. Re-read your posts to check for problems. You also need a space between the . after balance and before Zan's mouth.))
((A comma instead of a period after smile would be good, and a comma after Al. When Al spoke, you should have mentioned it was him. Also, that's the wrong 'your'))
((So this would be your revised post: Zan momentarily seemed to loose his balance, but he quickly regained it. His mouth twitched into a smile, "Al, you're not going to win." He said. -"We shall see Zan."- Alakazam replied.))
...What the heck are they doing? Win what? Are they really having a staring contest? Ross glanced down at Jolteon, who seemed to be immensely interested in the sight before him. I guess they are... Weird. He returned his gaze to the duo, wondering who the victor would be.
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